


Don't Speak

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [15]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Judas' suffering, Sadness, Songfic, Stream of Consciousness, inner monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 13:26:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14695127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: Listening to "Don't Speak" I was hit by Judas-related emotions. This is what happened.





	Don't Speak

**Author's Note:**

> [Don't Speak](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ) \- motivated emotional vomit about Jesus/Judas. I might make this into a podfic. I feel like giving it a voice.  
>  For those who don't wanna listen, here are the main lyrics that inspired it:
> 
> You and me  
> We used to be together  
> Everyday together always  
> I really feel  
> That I'm losing my best friend  
> I can't believe  
> This could be the end  
> It looks as though you're letting go  
> And if it's real  
> Well I don't want to know
> 
> Don't speak  
> I know just what you're saying  
> So please stop explaining  
> Don't tell me 'cause it hurts  
> Don't speak  
> I know what you're thinking  
> I don't need your reasons  
> Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
> 
> Our memories  
> Well, they can be inviting  
> But some are altogether  
> Mighty frightening  
> As we die, both you and I  
> With my head in my hands  
> I sit and cry
> 
> It's all ending  
> I gotta stop pretending who we are  
> You and me I can see us dying, are we?

I wish you could see me as I see you. As a best friend. As somebody to rely on, somebody to trust, to love. You speak a lot, to me, to others, about the good things in life and about heaven and God. But are you not human like the rest of us?

Once, I thought you were, once I hoped you were human and had bad sides to you. I still think so. You are not invincible, you are not infallible, you are not God, no matter how much you might want to be. I do not believe it. I cannot. You are so human in your qualities, your looks, your words. I fell in love with this human. Can one fall in love with God? I fell in love with you.

I wish you could see me as I see you. As the greatest love of a lifetime. As somebody to rely on, to trust, as a best friend. But I am losing you. I am losing my grip on you. Where are you going? You have your attentions elsewhere, you forget me and you only focus on the words. The words that make me doubt everything.

I love you, I love you so much but the words that leave your mouth, they are never right. I wish I did not feel like I need an explanation, but now you are leaving and you are leaving me behind and I do not understand. I do not want to understand, because that would mean that I am accepting it. I love you and all you give me is excuses to not love me back. I hear you speak and speak. Such beautiful words, so peaceful and full of promises, but do you really believe them? I think you do, while I wish you did not. The words take you away from me or maybe you shove me away with words. I do not know.

I wish you did not speak, sometimes. It would be easier in silence. Everything would be easier in silence. Loving you, hearing my own heart break, suffering.

But there is no silence. There is only ever your words, raining down on me, soaking me through to the bone, making me sick. There is only ever your words, that remind me of what I could have, of what I want to have. I know you know what I want, or rather who I want. It is painful, humiliating even, to be aware that you know so well, that I want nothing but your safety and affection, but instead receiving only rejection and ignorance. You speak, but you do not hear. You listen but you do not understand. Time after time I beg you, silently, I plead of you, behind clenched teeth and with closed eyes, not to, but to let me have this illusion for just a second. You never listen.

Sometimes I see something in your eyes, sometimes there is more to you than you let on, sometimes you are afraid. I know this, because I am afraid. I know this, because I see myself in you, but you do not realise it. However, you are afraid and I know it, but I do not know what to do. I wish so desperately to help you, I wish so desperately to just make you see that I want to help you but you seem as blind to me, as you are deaf to my pleas. You suffer from the same sicknesses as the people you heal, you suffer just as much, differently but all the same. I see it in your eyes. Are you afraid of me? Nobody else seems to notice a difference. Is it me? Am I scaring you? Or am I simply more observant? Do I notice this, because I pay so much attention to you? Or are you really afraid of something else?

You might be. I could not tell. But sometimes I feel like you are preparing to leave. Are you leaving, are you really? Where is it, that you are going? I have so many questions and you have so many answers. I think you have more answers, than I have questions, and yet you do not share them. You keep them to yourself, only ever giving them out in riddles.

I wish you would let me in, just once. Just once again. We used to be so close, you entrusted me with many secrets and with your heart. Like everything else, I do not understand this either. Endless questions build up in my mind about when you decided to end this and why. Was it when you knew that I loved you as more than a follower, more than an apostle?

I am sorry. I wish I did not feel like this, but there is nothing I can do about it. Just as there is nothing I can do about your speaking.

You would not even stop if I spoke out aloud, what I think. I know your causes. I advertise them myself. I know you. I know your reasons and I know you will not stop, but all those reasons and excuses, they are only a mask. You are not really a creature made up of those, you are so much more, which you do not want to let me see and for that reason you shut me out and feed me words. “Words”, how I have come to hate that word – what an ironic phrase.

The more time passes, the more I am aware of how little time there is left. I have become sure by now, that you really plan to leave and I already mourn you. I cry. And I cannot stop. My eyes hurt and my throat is sore and still you are here. You are not even gone yet and I suffer already. How much worse will it be then?

I love you and you are leaving. Is this killing us? Will it kill the last of what we had that made us “we”? I wish I knew the answer and again I know that you do. You are killing us, I know now, but you do not mean to kill me. You speak and speak to turn me away, but I will not leave, because I just love you too much. I know you. I wish I did not.

I wish too much. I do not act on my wishes. But that is because you act so much. You do so, so much and I am left standing, watching you, powerless and small. I know now what you are thinking. There is no more wishing for me, or for you. Your mind is set on the path you choose to go and you have chosen to leave me. The words, they hurt. But this hurts more.


End file.
